The Academy Award Nomination we announced this morning so Hollywood is all a buzz, all I know is Star Wars didn’t get nominated for Best Picture, so fuck that mess. However, I know a lot of you out there love this sort of thing, but damn is that show long, so I figure I could save you some time and tell you who are going to win the Major Awards.
Boy and the World
Shaun the Sheep Movie
When Marnie Was There
Winner: Anomalisa, it should be Inside Out, but this stupid sad pitty-party movie because it’s so “different” is going to win over the stuffy members of the Academy, fuck them and fuck this movie. Inside Out should be the winner.
Alejandro G Inarritu – The Revenant
Tom McCarthy – Spotlight
Adam McKay – The Big Short
George Miller – Mad Max: Fury Road
Lenny Abrahamson – Room
Winner: Alejandro G Inarritu – The Revenant. This film is just going to clean up.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kate Winslet – Steve Jobs
Jennifer Jason Leigh – The Hateful Eight
Alicia Vikander – The Danish Girl
Rooney Mara – Carol
Rachel McAdams – Spotlight
Winner: Rachel McAdams – Spotlight, Spotlight is one of those movies that won’t win Best Picture but will steal a few minor awards from The Revenant, especially since there is no Supporting Actress nominee from that film, and Rachel McAdams has come a long way since Mean Girls and has grown has an actress.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Sylvester Stallone – Creed
Christian Bale – The Big Short
Mark Ruffalo – Spotlight
Mark Rylance – Bridge of Spies
Tom Hardy – The Revenant
The Winner: Sylvester Stallone – Creed, the winner should be Tom Hardy, but the Academy is going to pull one of those, “well Sly could have won for the original Rocky and this will probably be the last time he’s ever nominated for an Oscar so we’ll give it to him”. This shit happens all the time with the Oscar, an older actor beats out a more deserving younger actor because the Academy hasn’t awarded that older actor an award yet. This is more of a lifetime achievement award for Sly as opposed to the Best Supporting Actor award.
Brie Larson – Room
Cate Blanchett – Carol
Saoirse Ronan – Brooklyn
Jennifer Lawrence – Joy
Charlotte Rampling – 45 Years
The Winner: Cate Blanchett – Carol, Cate Blanchett is just the best.
Leonardo DiCaprio – The Revenant
Bryan Cranston – Trumbo
Michael Fassbender – Steve Jobs
Eddie Redmayne – The Danish Girl
Matt Damon – The Martian
Winner: I’m going off book here, Matt FUCKING Damon for the Martian! Why, because he carries that entire film with heart, humor and emotion. That and the Academy apparently hates Leo. Did he sleep with someone’s wife or something? Jeez, dude can’t buy a victory.
Bridge of Spies
The Big Short
Mad Max: Fury Road
Winner: The Revenant, that was easy.
So there you have it dear reader, the winners of the awards we actually care about.